Another incessant running of the mind to decern the heart

It seems that yet again I fail at posting. It has been almost a montha again and a lot has happened, yet nothing at all. It is funny how life does that.  At the moment, I am attempting to figure out what my latest hunch is. It seems that a peacock is important this time, but I do now know what it means. 

I feel as if it could mean that I need to stop seeing if the newest boy is online or thinking about why he has not emailed me yet, instead I need to take a step back and let the courtship to happen. Which will be a true test of myself, but will also make me stronger for the better which is another respresentation of the peacock.  I dont know what it really means, however we will see what happens. 

Anyway...busy weekend!! Shopping in the city tomorrow and making a movie :) Then Lunch with noodle and a friend of his. Should be good times for all!! 

Ill try to not suck. 

love ya, 

D

The time flies as my heart flutters

Wow, so I just realized that my last post was the first in over a month.  A lot has happened in the last month. The boy in my September post stoped talking to me, and then started talking to me again. I finally told Chase how I felt about him, and he was really shocked and taken a back. Chase and I didn't talk for almost two weeks, but he called last night. It was good to talk to him even for the little bit of time we did. I miss him so much when we don't talk and it is not because I have feelings for him, it is because I love him as a friend and treasure our time together even if it is only over the phone for right now. 

I went home this past month to visit, and it was a short, but good visit. I get to see the main men in my life; Chase, Jordan, Cole, Kyle, Shawn, Jake, My brothers and dad. I also got to see my FAV! girls with the exception of Nicholle. I spent a lot of time with Amanda who pretty much rocks my world. Chase and I had dinner the night before I left and it was really good, just short. I was going to post after that one, but did not know how to formulate my thoughts and feelings at the time. So, chase and I had dinner it was great. It was the first time we had actually gotten together for dinner, or a meal. so that was a bit wierd because of my dislike of eating in front of people, but it was a really good time :) and it was with chase so that makes just about everything better. 

So the boy from here and I are talking again, but not hanging out as much. I dont know what to make of him, or how I feel about him.  I am not a big fan of him being older, but yet he acts my age.  Anyway enough on that topic. This past weekend I went to Long Island for the paranormal state Feild trip #2. It was an okay time, I got some perks out of it.  I met a cool guy, and he is into religion like me which is sweet, so now I hopefully have an east coast Religion buddy! 

Anyway, that is pretty much an update on things. I will try to write more..

Adios

Long Island and Long distance.

So Long Island was pretty much a cluster Fuck. It seems like everything planned was shot to hell. The one person I really really wanted to meet and talk to was not there. She had to bail on the trip. I understand that so I was like whatever. The lecture I really wanted to see was not that great. I mean it was informative, however it was not as intellectually pleasing as I was hoping. I did get to talk to some really cool people and meet some super sweeties! But I was a bit disappointed that the people I really wanted to talk too seemed to brush me aside when approached. Part of me understand though. Anyway, I got to talk to some informative people and I hope that dialouge continues. 

The long distance, I miss my friends back home.

To be continued.

"Near you, I am healing but its taking so long"

I am sitting here listening to a Fine Frenzy my new fav band and in doing so I just heard an amazing song, it goes something like this:

He and I had something beautiful 
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last 
I loved him so but I let him go 
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back 

Such pain as this 
Shouldn't have to be experienced 
I'm still reeling from the loss, 
Still a little bit delirious 

Near to you, I am healing 
But it's taking so long 
'Cause though he's gone 
And you are wonderful 
It's hard to move on 
Yet, I'm better near to you. 

You and I have something different 
And I'm enjoying it cautiously 
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard 
To get back to who I used to be 

He's disappearing 
Fading subtly 
I'm so close to being yours 
Won't you stay with me 
Please 

Near to you, I am healing 
But it's taking so long 
'Cause though he's gone 
And you are wonderful 
It's hard to move on 
Yet, I'm better near to you. 

I only know that I am 
Better where you are 
I only know that I am 
Better where you are 
I only know that I belong 
Where you are 

Near to you, I am healing 
But it's taking so long 
Though he's gone 
And you are wonderful 
It's hard to move on 

Near to you, I am healing 
But it's taking so long 
'Cause though he's gone 
And you are wonderful 
It's hard to move on 
Yet, I'm better near to you. 

Yet, I'm better near to you.

After hearing this song something just clicked. I miss the idea of Nick (my ex) it has been almost two years and I still miss him. I know it sounds ridiculous, but its true. I have been really thinking about my relationship with him and what affect it had on me not to mention how I am weary about relationships now. I want to take things slow, but Nick and I did that and it was not our down fall, but it definatly got us closer on a more emotional level as well as a friend level. 

I miss his companionship, and his jokes, the way he treated me and could make me smile so easily, he really cared about me and I knew that, but our relationship was not meant to be and we were obviously in different places in life, however I miss him, and I will for a really long time. I think this song really depicts how I am feeling as well as other people. It is really hard to get over the idea of someone. I actually think its harder to get over the idea of that person then it is to get over that person. 

The part of the song that gets me is "You and I have something different 

And I'm enjoying it cautiously 
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard 
To get back to who I used to be " I really like the boy I have been hanging out with, yet I am scared that him and I will date and some how he will hurt me like Nick, I am terrified that after finally letting me guard down with him (which has not happened fully yet) that he will hurt me, and break my heart. The last thing I want right now is another broken heart to nurse, and I would hate myself for breaking his. 

I want someone to find comfort in, I want another guy friend, but I want a guy friend on a deeper level. I love my guy friends and I would have no clue what I would do with out them, but after breaking up with someone that you spent so much time with it gets better, but you have your bad days and I guess today is just a lonely and bad day. 

Anyway The moral of the story was the song really put things into perspective for me and had things click. Well on that note I must go write a paper among other things. 

Good night lovies, 

D

The mind, The heart and the spaces between

So, Im pretty sure nobody reads this which is excellent becuase right now I am just going to type out some thoughts of mine. Lately I have been hanging out with a guy, and its as friends (I think) He is obviously still attached in some way to his ex, however it is obvious that he has some sort of interest in me.  I asked about this and he of course denied it being the dumb guy he is. Anyway, so we have been hanging out a good deal and tonight we studied together (yes we did really study, there has been no hanky-pankying). He is a nice guy, sweet, gets along great with the kiddies (plus) and I am really attracted to him. However it seems that my intrique and interest in him might be quickly dissolving. 

Tonight we hung out and studied, and I had none of the feelings I use to when I was with him. No butterflies, no intrique, no urge to kiss him, nothing just a blank convass. which is good to an extent yet, I hate when I lose interest so quickly. I dont know if I really have lost interest, or if it just an introverted appethetic mood, but I really like him physically, intellectually, and personality wise, however there is just something a miss and its bothering me right now. I hate being so intune to emotions becuase if I was not I could pass this off so easily and yet I feel the need to annylize such meanial things in my life. 

However, the moral of this blog is that I really want somene to interest me and keep up with me intellectually as well as hold my hand and kiss me romantically. I want someone attractive to some degree, but who also has an amazing personality and likes me for me, not someone I can never be. 

Lots of love, 

D

The City, The art, The good times roll

So! Tonight I went to the city with a boy I met here early last week. so the city, today I experieced so much of the city and I really should have taken more pictures, but I fail.  I went to the museum of modern art, and saw the Dahli exibit and I really dont know how I feel about it, seeing his pieces in person is so much different then in a book, or online. As well as seeing them in a sequencial order. Most of his pieces are really morbid, but somehow I found his back grounds and "horizons". The pieces as a whole were unsetling, however when picked apart the different aspects were serene. 

Then we went to find me new shoes b/c mine sucked and literally cut my feet open in numerous places. So, until I found new shoes, the boy gave me his flip flops (extra pair) to wear until we found me some, which was hillarious b/c his did not match my outfit and were about 4-5 sizes too big on me :) but it was the thought that counts. I found my shoes, and they were on sale and amazingly comfortable. then we went to eat at a spanish topless place :) it really is called a topas place, but when the boy first said it, it sounded like topless so we stuck with it. it was good, then we got choclate, and went to union square park, then we got Starbucks. 

I rode the train home with him, and now I am getting ready for sleep, while blogging super QUICK! I am not sure anyone reads this, and if you do COMMENT! becuase it would make me feel loved. Anyway, I am off to sleepy land. 

Night all

Deeds

The longing for home, but yet the attachment here.

So, lately I have been missing home, a lot, but it is not Nebraska I miss, it is the people and the familiarity of everything in Nebraska. I miss being able to call anyone at any time to hang out, I miss knowing everything close to me, and knowing where to go, and where I am. I miss being in my comfort zone, but most of all I miss my friends, I never realized how blessed I am to have so many amazing friends, and one's that I could count on for anything. Here I know Becky, who is amazing, but is also a hour away. The differences continually seem to amaze me.

As some of you know I have been getting restless with the idea of not having any friends here, I tried a few outlets to meet cool people to hang out with, and none of them were too successful. Anyway after about a month and a half, I have been feeling almost desperate about finding friends, or even someone just to talk to. After being with children for 9 hours a day, you need some "grown up" time. Anyway after feeling this way I finally gave up, and was like it is going to happen just not on my time, so in doing so I enrolled full time at metro for online class and it is working so far to keep me occupied. I did however have the chance this weekend to meet new friends, it was a lot of fun, and finally I feel like things are looking up.

I don't know how I will ever be able to meet the type of friends I have back home, but I am starting to be more optimistic about meeting people here :)

I think too much, or maybe not enough.

so lately I have been thinking a lot about home and other things. I know I am meant to be in Connecticut, and I know that God wants me here, however, I do not know why. It is really hard to sit here and trust Him when I don't know why I am here. It is so utterly human of me to be thinking that, but I know that there is a reason and that he would NEVER abandon me, but right now I am feeling slightly abandoned, and yet ridiculously optimistic.

The reason I am ridiculously optimistic is that I am finally realizing that even if I never meet any new people here, I have the most amazing friends back home. I have really been blessed with the most wonderful friends back home, not many people have had the opportunity to grow up and meet so many wonderful people especially males. I would really like to meet some people, but I don't know if that is why God put me here. I think he might have given me the chance to really learn independence and become more cultured as well as getting out of my comfort zone.

I am also starting to believe that possibly I am sent here to realize how strong of a person I really am as well as what I meant to do with the rest of my life. I have been thrown into a whole new world, and yet I am flourishing, and running with it. I already see changes in myself that I would never have thought would happen in just a month, as well as an attachment with the kids, that is just ridiculous. I know that I am meant to be here, and I know that I will always have a life back home to return to and sweet friends that will always love me, but for now I need to stay here and see what I can accomplish on my own for a while. Yes, I did just speak in circles, but those are the thoughts I have.

love ya's,
Dede

Connecticut so far.

So, I have been in Connecticut for almost a month, and its been interesting. The family is super sweet, and I fell in love with the kidddies at once (and yes, I meant the three "d's" so each one gets a "d" and will not feel left out when they can read) Anyway, pretty much everything here is different, including, but not limited to the wally world. Yes, the wally worlds close here!! they actually lock their doors at ten! I was so out raged, I can deal with different food, clothing, music, cars, but not wally world too!

Lets, see things that would make you guys giggle, my family does not eat red meat. well the mom doesn't so the dad just rolls with it, that means I have not had a steak in over a month, I have however had buffalo burgers and they were amazingly unique and delicious. The pizza is also different, it is sweeter, but there is a local place that makes the best bread sticks ever!! The middle Kid and I are pretty much addicted, she so rocks my world, and has the same love of food, its GREAT!

I am actually about to go get bread sticks that I promised the little lady, so I will write again later, or maybe I will just keep this open and add on...sounds good.

I am really bad at this whole blogging thing, so hopefully it will get better as I go, if not I am sorry to everyone that reads this :)

so the major differences with life here vs Nebraska
1.) no red meat
2.) if you go out for steak no one knows what medium rare is
3.) the steak is not fresh
4.)Wally world is not open 24/7
5.) wally world is tiny and sucks
6.) I am a hour away from friend(s)
7.) Culture here rocks my face off (sorry NE)
8.) The family's grill is camping size
9.) we grill out veggies and fruits, but not always meat
10.) No charcoal is used when grilling
11.) The boating/fishing store here is for yatchs
12.) the boating/fishing apparel is kakki and polos
13.) Nebraska is seen as redneck, but Norwalk is so much worse
14.) My social life sucks here
15.) I don't have my boy(s), mary, and cholles here :(, but I do have my becky!

so I am sure there will be more to come :)

I love you all very very mucho,
D-squared